AP Test Tips

*This is a satirical article*


AP Test Supplies (Photo/ Madeline Chia)

Navaneeth Rajan, Humor Writer

APs are important. They’re a cornerstone of a successful high school career, and receiving high scores can earn you college credit. I can’t actually vouch for this myself, being a freshman and whatnot, so this is all information I got from my mom. Now, my mom also puts her milk in the bowl before her cereal, so I can’t confirm the credibility of any information she provides–but, here at least, she does seem to have a fair point. There’s no point breaking your back and staying up late nights taking an AP course if you’re going to flunk the exam. So here are my tips for the AP exams.

You’re going to be doing a lot of studying the nights leading up to an exam. Studying breeds stress, and from an outsider perspective, it seems that the best option is to just eliminate the cause of stress. You may be wondering, “Wouldn’t stopping all my studying damage my chances on the day of the test?” The answer is, of course, yes. But, is it worth it working hours on end, day after day, for just one test? Simple, third grade, non-AP math tells us that 30 hours of binging The Office, playing Minecraft, and browsing TikTok – 2 hours of stress > 2 hours of slightly less stress. I mean, think of all the time you’ll have. Got a poetry blog you want to post on more? Now you can! What about your dream to become Instagram famous? Well, you now have the time to pursue the dream! Yeah, this one guy I found on brainyquote.com says “You cannot escape the responsibility of tomorrow by evading it today,” but what does “Abraham Lincoln” know anyway? Has he ever even had real responsibility? 

The day before your test, you might be wondering, “Is there anything I can do to guarantee my success for the exam tomorrow?” Unfortunately, until some brilliant mind invents anabolic steroids for the frontal lobe, there’s nothing you can do to ace an AP without studying—at least anything that isn’t considered cheating. As it stands, the best (legal) things you can do to prepare for the AP tomorrow are reading the curriculum for the first time, checking which APs you’re taking (wouldn’t want to go to an AP exam we didn’t prepare for, now would we?), and watching a random playlist of TED-Ed videos. While the physics of opera or the anatomy of a sneaker may not seem relevant to your AP English Lit exam, at least you’ll feel like you’re doing something productive and learning something useful. Other than that, it’s definitely in your best interest to not wake up groggy for your test. There are two easy solutions to this. One—don’t go to bed the night before. You can’t wake up tired if you don’t wake up. The other solution is to drink four bottles of 5-hour energy after you wake up. This avoids Method One’s major side effect of feeling like garbage because you haven’t slept; however, it also has the critical consequence of feeling like garbage because you drank so much 5-hour energy that drinking any more would be considered substance abuse under New Jersey state law. While you could try doing both, scientists aren’t sure yet whether the two wrongs would be multiplied to make a right, or added to make a bigger wrong. It would probably be best not to take any unnecessary risks. 

During the test, it’s best to be as prepared as possible. Since your time for studying has passed, try to prepare with material possessions instead. Bring two pencils (one backup), as well as an eraser, a protractor, a compass, a triangle, a ruler, some graph paper, a calculator, and a stuffed animal that can provide emotional support. It doesn’t matter that this is an AP American History exam. Preparation is still key. Other items of use are a third backup pencil, an electric sharpener for your pencils, an extension cord, in case there aren’t any nearby outlets for your sharpener, three highlighters (different colors are key!), a 128 box of crayons for “mind-mapping” (also could be useful for any free-response questions in AP Art and Design), and a Magic 8-Ball (for those tricky multiple-choice questions). 

Of course, these tips aren’t guaranteed to get you a good score. But hey, I’m just a freshman. Why are you listening to me anyway?