Rhodes Stops School to Start Sewing

*This article is satirical. All quotes of people mentioned in the article are completely fake and made solely for entertainment value.


Mr. Rhodes Works at his Beloved Sewing Machine (Photo/Mr. Rhodes)

Peter Sarsfield, Humor Columnist

The future Princeton Day disciplinarian, Mr. Rhodes, has converted his school to online learning in an effort to spend more time with his new passion, sewing. Despite what some experts ascertained, the future interim Head of the Upper School claimed, “this has nothing to do with that ‘pandemic’ thing.” Leaving many flummoxed by the move, he has said rather bluntly, “I want some more me-time.”

When pressed further about the closure of the low-ranked institution, Mr. Rhodes dismissed the global threat completely, saying, “In the media, they kept referring to this thing as the ‘novel coronavirus.’ I just don’t get why we’re all so perturbed by some book.” Despite there being no further questions, Rhodes went on to spend the next forty minutes describing the history of sewing in America and his admiration for Ana Teresa Barboza, a famous Peruvian textile artist. Despite his erudite devotion to the textile world, it is clear that Rhodes is only an amateur embroiderer. Many who were unfortunate enough to come across the blankets and quilts noted that they were marred with holes and loose string. However, most are too affable to bring this reality to light, citing Rhodes’ intense zeal as something they do not want to be responsible for vanquishing.

Consequently, the day school has been slowly transitioning to an asynchronous learning setup. While many students are in support of the opportunity to wake up later, some are confused as to why they still have to do work for classes that they believe should not require it like college seminar, ensembles, and English. Junior Olivia Zebrowski notes, “I miss crying in the bathroom at school because of all the bad grades I get. I just can’t do well on a test to save my life. Now I cry at home.” 

Another student, Junior Jacques Hughes, is thrilled by the aspect of virtual school. “The best part about this is that I don’t know if other people are wearing pants during school. It gives me an immense sense of power.”

Unluckily, the school’s online service, Schoology, has been plagued with system errors. None of these crashes, however, have been enough to alarm the entire staff. Yet, one teacher, who wishes to remain anonymous, says “It is a brilliant way to ensure that Mr. Dougherty cannot spread his rhetoric on the platform.”

Due to the closing, many clubs have become obsolete. When questioned about the global economic crisis, co-head of the financial club Will Sedgley responded, “I hope it does not impact my trust fund.”