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Unicorn Frappuccinos: Bittersweet?

Arya Jha, Styles Associate

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If you have never seen a unicorn, you are not likely to anytime soon. Recently, this gravely endangered species has suffered insurmountable losses as a result of the capitalist machine known as the U.S.A. With the introduction of the Starbucks Unicorn Frappuccino, the population of these horned beauties has plummeted from millions into mere hundreds. Reddit rumor threads have claimed that local poachers in rural Machu Picchu have been illegally hunting and shipping unicorn corpses off on boats bound to Los Angeles. From there, the animals are said to be flown and distributed all over the country as a means of flavoring the new abominable drink.

In light of these findings, Starbucks has also been accused of hiring professional hunters to murder the limited population of unicorns in Zimbabwe. Although these allegations have not been confirmed by any of the region’s high-ranking officials, several trails of rainbow blood have been found near the Zimbabwe International Airport, leading reporters to believe only one thing: real life unicorns are in the Starbucks Unicorn Frappuccino.

Prior to this international debacle, Starbucks’ standing in the stock market was an enviable one. When certain individuals caught wind of the company’s recent endeavors, it seemed that the multibillion dollar conglomerate’s success was short lived. Due to the sharp decline in its share price, many of their previous customers have made the switch to Dunkin’ Donuts, a fact evident in the competitor’s publicly-released quarterly reports. While Starbucks continues on its downwards spiral, Dunkin’ has managed to secure a 400% increase in nationwide sales.

Upon closer examination of the situation, it is undeniable that Starbucks’ unethical practices will hurt it in the long run. Since the introduction of the controversial drink, over 300 outraged employees have quit their jobs, some of whom the Spokesman has had the opportunity to interview.

Disgruntled ex-barista Kirk T. tells us, “Unicorn blood was on my hands. I took one look at my boss and knew that I wanted no part of this. I went into the bathroom one day as a Starbucks employee and walked out a civilian,” he says with a sigh. “Just handed in my apron, stole one of those charger disks for good measure, and never looked back.”

Another employee, Dev B., bravely shares with the Spokesman, “I went back to the supply area to get some caramel sauce, but ended up finding this weird bundle of what must have been unicorn hair. Never having believed in them, I thought it was just a prop that someone had left behind from Halloween.” As he speaks, Dev is incredulous, a full month after the ordeal, as if his mind has yet to process the reality of what he had witnessed. “When one of my coworkers walked in, took that hair to the blender, and served it to a customer, I ran away to throw up and came back to quit.”

Kirk and Dev are not alone in their horrific tales. the Spokesman received several testimonies in the same manner, detailing the gory inner workings of the common Starbucks kitchen.

Unfortunately, these crimes continue to be perpetrated due to the inaction of top executives at the franchise. In response, a pair of civilians by the names of Chuck M. and Gerald C. have created a change.org petition urging readers to boycott any and all Starbucks chains for the remainder of the year. Since its inception, it has already garnered close to 12 million signatures, a number that continues to grow exponentially every day. According to Twitter, this phenomenon has proved to be the most controversial since the results of the 2016 U.S. presidential election. 18 trillion tweets have crowded the cyberspace as we know it, and an estimated 80% of these tweets have been commentaries on the colossal movement this injustice has inspired. Along with the petition, reported millions have filled the D.C. streets in an effort to urge the indictment of Starbucks CEO, Kevin Johnson, with millions of counts of first-degree murder.

We hope that justice is served to the countless unicorns that fell victim to these atrocities, the employees who were unwittingly exploited in perpetrating these crimes, and the millions of customers who knowingly consumed this disgrace of a drink. May these majestic creatures forever live on in our thoughts and drinks.  ρ

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Unicorn Frappuccinos: Bittersweet?