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Kanye 2020 Cabinet Picks

Vivek Kasubaga and Hadeel Eltayeb

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When Kanye Omari West announced his bid for president, people were stunned by the boldness of his statements. He did not propose reform, nor did he indicate a specific motive for his candidacy. Nevertheless, the American people were moved by the possibility of putting a real role model in charge of their country. Songs like “Gold Digger” helped solidify his image as a feminist; “I Am A God (ft. Jesus)” was indication enough to get the Catholic crowd was behind him; “Can’t Tell Nothing” even gave insight to his cooperative attitude when dealing with diplomatic affairs.

Now, as January 2021 approaches and president-elect Kanye West prepares himself to take office, the Spokesman cannot help but speculate about the key players in his future cabinet. Here is a comprehensive guide to America’s leading team for the next four years. God help us all.

Beginning with the Department of Education, Betsy DeVos gave an exemplary precedent for what the Secretary of Education should embody. As of 2021, an astounding 17% of the American population is literate. Needless to say, the next person set to fill her shoes could never be as impactful, but our pick may come close. Desiigner, of Brooklyn fame, is in talks to lead the country’s education system. When asked to comment, he informed us of his plan to “may-make those kids smahta.” With such an all-inclusive approach to the schooling system, the White House may be able to eliminate literacy once and for all.

West seemed to be pulling pages out of Sun Tzu’s The Art of War when he hinted at what would be his most controversial decision yet: Taylor Alison Swift as US Attorney General. It is easy to imagine why Swift is such an avid supporter of Kanye: he made that girl famous. Since the 2009 VMA broadcast, viewer traffic on her country music videos peaked at a whopping 13,000 views. Then, of course, she took corporate advice and pivoted her genre toward a more popular fan base. While it ended up putting her in direct competition with Ye, he took notes from the infamous Ted Cruz campaign and made her his Carly Fiorina. One look at the Rolling Stones’ landmark 2016 article “Taylor Swift vs. Kanye West: A Beef History” will have us all begging the question: why pick someone who, according to Kanye, is “not cool no more?” Well, contrary to popular belief, Swift’s experience in the legal field dwarfs her presence in the music industry. The year 2020 was no stranger to the classic T-Swift “see you in court” meme, and since her humble beginnings as a 16-year-old country sensation, an exorbitant percentage of Swift’s earnings have been reallocated to political proceeds. How do you think Hillary Clinton was funded? JP Morgan speeches? Please.

All these positions are tentative, but there is some comfort to be found in Kanye’s previously announced vice president. Shawn Carter, colloquially known as Jay Z, has been backing the Democratic Party since his entrance into the hip hop scene, with historical ties to figures such as Barack Obama, Hillary Clinton, and Biggie Smalls. There is no doubt that the self-made millionaire can handle the responsibilities of a vice presidency, as Tidal just recently surpassed both Spotify and Pandora in daily active users. However, keeping President West in check will be Hov’s primary responsibility. He’s got 99 problems and Kanye is literally all of them. The man eats out of a pair of Timbs. Rewind back to 2004, when The College Dropout hit record stores: Jay Z ran New York, ran Def Jam Records, and more importantly, he ran Kanye. Now, almost 17 years later, Jay has no choice but to quietly accept his inferiority to the Chitown native.

While West acknowledges that his presidency will certainly be an unconventional one, with the United States’ recent history of atypical candidates, he and his cabinet may just be what the nation needs. Amidst a sea of highly qualified, competent, and capable professionals, these picks stood out to the Spokesman as some of the least so. It is true that the sheer volume of criticism he has managed to attract over the course of his year-and-a-half long campaign is simply unprecedented, but to quote the wise philosopher himself, “When you’re the absolute best, you get hated on the most.”    

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Kanye 2020 Cabinet Picks