A Doomsday survival kit for 2017

Anisa Lateef, Styles Associate

Doomsday: a loose calendar date definition of when everything is scheduled to come crashing down to an end. For some, this day is associated with cinematic sound effects, fiery explosions, and floods of chaos pouring down earthquake-stricken roads. The beauty and curse of Doomsday is its reputation for being unknown. The beginning of the end could start with the conclusion of a calendar, nuclear warfare, or even a politician’s rise to power. Like a jack-in-the-box, people can never be too sure when eternal darkness will spontaneously spring its shadowed face.

Doomsday is inevitably approaching. Consequently, preparation is essential. Preparedness comes in various forms and unique methods. Back in December 2012, when a Mayan calendar rumored humanity´s final days, grocery store aisles were crammed with frantic shoppers filling their carts with gallons of water and canned produce. On the other end of the spectrum, Steve Huffman, co-founder and C.E.O. of Reddit, decided that an approaching Doomsday meant getting laser eye surgery in the case of a contact lens shortage.

So, what kind of survival kit would a Princetonian need in a post-presidential inauguration, globally-warmed world, if Doomsday were to strike tomorrow?

Doomsday Survival Kit as of February 2017:

  • Shovel (for digging tunnels under institutionalized obstacles)
  • Twitter account
  • Wifi hotspot
  • Inflatable raft and chemical buffers (to travel across acidic oceans)
  • Combat boots (for stomping outdated policies into rubble)
  • Poptarts and Cheez-Its (for sustenance)
  • Battering ram (to break through walls, boundaries…)
  • Lighter (for burning stereotypes to the ground)
  • Spray paint (to paint everyone purple, thus ending racism)
  • Printed wikiHow article on Morse Code
  • Band aids (to cover bleeding wounds)
  • Garbage bag (to collect broken bones and futures)
  • Flare (for attention)
  • Megaphone (so voices can be heard in case the hotspot shuts down)
  • Stress balls (to relieve conflict)
  • Antibiotics (for epidemics, both mental and physical)
  • Flashlight (to see through foggy policies)
  • Duct tape (to cover up mouths so there is silence for the first and last time)
  • Tattoo ink (to color-correct the world permanently)

Regardless of how you define Doomsday, realize that proper preparation is crucial. Make a list, find a backpack, and start packing. Time is ticking.

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